EXCERPTS FROM WHY BOYS DON'T TALK

Introduction to Why Boys Don't Talk and Why We Care : A Mother's Guide to Connection
by Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon

This book seeks to answer the question: Are there better ways to raise our boys? Our intended audience is parents of boys. The book is written from our personal experience as mothers of teenage boys and as professionals in the fields of gender and adolescent issues. We are, professionally, a gender equity specialist and a clinical social worker who, together, have more than 30 years of experience working on gender issues. As mothers of two daughters and two sons, each of us discovered that raising our teenage sons was turning out to be a very different experience from raising their older sisters. We began to have conversations about our shared experiences. We realized through these discussions that the range of emotional expression for boys was limited, and we felt the need to broaden their options and experiences. This challenge became especially clear to us as both of our sons progressed through their teenage years.

We have woven our own experiences, as well as those of other parents, boys, girls, and professionals in the field, throughout the book. In addition, we have included a thorough review of current research and information, including statistical evidence; recent studies from the social and scientific disciplines of psychology and biology; information from popular culture; and individual case studies. This research is provided because we believe that it is important to help parents understand the intellectual foundation of many of the misconceptions about boys that are prevalent in our society. New information demonstrates that we can improve how we raise our boys.

Our intent is to present parents with a practical guide, including strategies to increase the emotional dimensions and opportunities for connection with our boys. We know that specific chapters of the book will be of more interest to you than others, but we encourage you to read the book in its entirety, because there are important lessons to be learned in every chapter. Throughout the book we attempt to look at boys from a cross-cultural perspective, acknowledging that the existing literature and research tend to have a White, middle-class bias. While our focus groups represent a sample of Latino, African American, Asian, and European American boys, many of the issues that adolescent boys face are similar across diverse races and socioeconomic classes. For this reason, we have not identified quotes from boys according to race or ethnicity, except in Chapter 6, where we focus exclusively on males of color. However, some issues are unique to one group or are emphasized by the conditions of an individual cultural or racial group. It is not uncommon for diverse groups of boys and parents to respond to issues differently as well. This reality is the reason for our separate discussion of males of color.

What was reinforced for us and helped to guide our perspective throughout the writing of this book is the desire of mothers to stay close to their sons during the teenage years. After meeting with mothers of African American, Asian, European American, and Latino boys, it became clear that there are as many differences within each group of boys as there are between the groups. Among the sons, some are reserved, others are outgoing; some are good writers, athletes, scientists, computer whizzes, performers; some do well in school, others do not; some are leaders, others are followers. What these mothers have in common is that they love their sons and want to know them better. Ultimately, it is our aim to provide parents from a wide variety of cultures with the confidence to find their own voice, trust their instincts, and maintain emotional connections.